Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
Spring break is just around the corner for the Keene State College community and some students are flocking to tropical destinations to escape the frigid New England winter. However, some people are still making plans for the college’s ever-awaited week off. For students who do not have a sunny spring break planned, what could be better than freeloading at a new friend’s house all week? Follow these tips to find yourself sizzling in paradise in no time!
1. Find out who has a vacation home in Florida.
You first need to figure out who is your prime target. Is it that girl who always falls asleep two minutes into class? The guy who sweats too much on the elliptical? Maybe it’s one of your professors. You never know who is going to hold the keys to your relaxation destination. Start casually mentioning the words “beach,” “vacation” and “Florida” every chance you get and see who responds.
2. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Once you figure out who has a vacation home in Florida for you to spring break at, try complimenting them as much as possible. There is nothing people love more than a good old fashioned suck up. Tell them things like, “Wow, your hair looks exactly like I want my hair to look on vacation in Florida” and “You’re so tan. Just in time for vacation in Florida, right?”
3. Keep it topical.
Remember to always steer your conversations toward your eventual trip to Florida. Next time you’re around your new bestie (who has a vacation home in Florida, obviously), make sure to bond by scattering some simple beachy words into the discussion like “sun,” “waves,” “bathing suits,” “please,” “take me” and even “Florida.” Be coy about it, though. You don’t want them to think you’re just using them for a spring break trip.
4. Everyone likes cookies.
When in doubt, everyone knows that the way to a new friend’s heart is through their stomach. Bake them some cookies and they’ll feel obligated to return the favor. Maybe with a week-long stay in their vacation home in Florida? You can only hope.
Stephanie McCann can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.