Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
Freshman Bea Wilder made headlines this past weekend when she sent yet another, “Hold on guys, what’s happening tonight?” text in her group message among nine friends.
“I haven’t been checking the group lately so I have no idea what’s going on,” Wilder said.
Wilder said that, from the looks of the most recent texts within the group, she’s “pretty sure they found plans for the night.”
“I just really wanted to know what was happening, so I decided to just have them tell me what’s going on instead of reading all of the past text messages,” Wilder said.
Wilder explained that it “just takes so much energy” to scroll up through the group message and read previous texts.
“I’d rather just have the girls repeat everything for me,” Wilder said, with an oblivious smirk.
Wilder’s best friend, freshman Gretchen Gouda said that this instance isn’t the first time Wilder has relied on everyone in the group message to relay information for her.
“Every time we’re talking about something, she just texts ‘Wait, what?’ Like, you can literally scroll up in the group yourself to check,” Gouda said.
Gouda explained that none of the girls told Wilder what is going on tonight, even though it’s “a party at her crush Dave’s house.”
Wilder continued, “No, but really what’s going on tonight?”
Stephanie McCann can be contacted at email@example.com