This is the last op-ed I will ever write for The Equinox. Pretty crazy to put that down in text.
Graduating kind of feels like you’re dying. I don’t want to get that dramatic, but the thoughts I’ve been having—“I don’t have that much time left,” “I want to make the most of it,” “I just want to be with my friends”—are all thoughts that people have on their deathbeds.
When I went into the library to finish my senior project last Monday, I sat upstairs in the cubicle. Looking around me, I saw that most other cubicles were filled. I became terrified.
The thought that came to mind was, “Keene State College was slowly planning on what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Stuck in a cubicle doing busy work I don’t want to do.” I, and all the students in those library cubicles, could be getting groomed for what they are going to do for the rest of their lives. Stuck in a cubicle, the thought itself is most of our worst nightmares. But let’s be honest, that reality is very possible.
How many other poor schmucks thought they were so special that they would never be stuck in a desk job with the only thing to look forward to being a new episode of “Criminal Minds?” Some people still believe they are so special and unique when they are not.
It took my mom 20 years, after I bombed a stand-up show, to sit me down and confess the truth. “You’re not special. You can’t just expect to not work hard. Your generation believes that they are all so unique and perfect that they think they can do anything without any hard work.”
I know I’m not alone; I’ve been saying for years how I would never get stuck with a suit and tie job, confined by four small walls. But looking at the job market, I realize I’m not calling the shots. It’s either suck it up and conform or work at McDonalds.
I guess what I’m saying is I’m scared to graduate. I’ve lived these past four years in blissful recklessness and irresponsibility. Now I have to get a job, which I might not like but it’s necessary to not starve. I’ve read a statistic that around 80 percent of people hate their job. That’s a comforting thought when going out to the job market.
Yet I have hope. I have hope that I can find a job that I love and that keeps my belly full. That’s all I can really have is hope. Or could I have something else. Could I make it a possibility? Could I use my degree to find something that I love to do and will get paid to do it?
Jean-Paul Sartre, the existential philosopher, believed that we have had an ontological freedom. That means you have complete control over your life. You choose who you become. Any one of us could drop out of KSC, move to Hawaii and try to become a pro-surfer.
There would be consequences, but the point is we have the choice and power over our lives. Sartre believed that this gave us a nauseating feeling because people become scared when they realize that all the choices and life events that happen to you are ultimately your own responsibility.
For me, this is a liberating and terrifying feeling. It’s terrifying because there is a risk involved in making a major life decision, such as moving out to New Jersey and living in NYC.
The decisions we make are ultimately up to us and we have to live with the consequences of any action we pick. But it’s liberating because it gives us the power to do what we want. I’m excited to see where the next four years take me because these past four have been an adventure to say the least.
I’ve spent time in New York, South Carolina, Boston and New Hampshire.
I can say that I’ve been to places outside of my comfort zone and that the experiences have shaped me. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made so far. I’m happy that I’ve spent time in Keene and met so many cool people. I’m happy with all the fun I had every weekend and all the crazy stuff that I’ve done with that fun.
Sure, there were many consequences, but in the end they just gave me better stories to rant about to my grandkids when I’m 70 and senile. Looking at this, if I made those choices and are happy with them, I will be happy with whatever I choose with life ahead of me. Sure there will be consequences, but that’s a part of life.
I didn’t want this to become sappy but now it’s out on the table. One good thing I can reflect on: even if I become trapped in a cubicle, working for some corporation I hate, I will always have my memories of KSC to rely on.
Brian Rabadeau can be contacted at
brabadeau@keene-equinox.com