It is impossible to imagine a life without someone you love, and even more impossible to actually experience it. You look around at the dinner table, all set up for holiday dinner. But something doesn’t feel right, as if there was something missing or maybe someone. It hits you as you recall their funeral. You aren’t alone in feeling grief this holiday season. After my grandfather passed away two months ago, I could feel the empty space where he’d be on Thanksgiving.
Grief can feel very overwhelming during this time of year, especially when spending different holidays with family and loved ones. Those moments that are spent surrounded by your people, but you can’t help but feel the absence of the ones you’ve lost.
On top of the holiday season stress, being a student and working during this time of year makes for a busy schedule.
While everyone deals with loss differently, I hope hearing my experience makes you feel less alone.
Before my grandfather died, my family knew it was coming soon. He was in a nursing home rehabilitation center after almost dying in the hospital, then was sent home to live out his last days with family and in the comfort of his living room.
My insomnia only seemed to get worse as his health declined. His at home hospice nurse had suspected he had a week before he would pass towards the end of September.
I missed lots of classes because I would oversleep, too busy worrying about him when I would try to go to bed the night before. Then when I received the call from my mom that he wouldn’t have much longer, I raced home as fast as I could. I got him ice cream on Saturday, Oct. 4 and he passed Sunday, Oct. 5, right before I would embark on a trip to Washington. D.C. with fellow e-board members of The Equinox. I missed his burial while on that trip, receiving a video recording from my mom that I would watch at night after the day’s festivities.
My grandfather served in the Navy during the Vietnam War, so I got to see soldiers hand my weeping grandmother a folded flag in a pixelated video I had to download from an email. It was tear-jerking to say the least, and I was disappointed that I could not be there in person.
I visited the Vietnam Veterans Memorial while I was in D.C., sending pictures to my grandma and other family members. While the trip was a nice distraction, my emotions came flooding back as I walked through the memorial. I had wished he were able to see the sunset behind the Washington Monument and the glow it created behind the trees at the veterans’ memorial.
I tend to run late on holidays, mostly because they are always hosted at my house so I prioritize helping my mom around the house before I get myself ready. I was still getting ready in my room downstairs for Thanksgiving, having slept through the parade, when my two cousins came down to hang out, then my aunt came too, then another aunt and soon enough, my room was pretty full. Once I was fully ready, I headed upstairs to greet the rest of my extended family. I said my hellos and looked around to make sure I had seen everyone. I was about to ask where Pop (my grandfather) was, but before I could even finish my thought, a wave of dread came over me. I took a deep breath and continued the holiday, not wanting to feel consumed with grief.
That was the first time I felt like I wasn’t going to erupt into a fountain of tears missing my grandfather. It was a small step, but even the tiniest of efforts can make all the difference.
Overall, I could tell my family was trying harder this year in comparison to previous holidays. Last year, we didn’t even have Thanksgiving, as many of my extended family members voted for President Donald Trump and my parents were hoping to avoid political banter at the dinner table. Little did we know it would be the last Thanksgiving my grandfather was alive for.
My family has always been very religious, some catholic and some Christian. My grandmother leads grace every holiday, but my dad was not feeling it and stepped outside. Someone suggested we do grace outside so we could include my dad, so we all shoved out the door to circle him by my mom’s garden. For the first time in a very long time, it felt as though my family was genuinely happy to be with one another. My younger cousin must have tripped during grace as we all heard something fall or clash and half of us started laughing. Then my dad’s sister said it must’ve been Pop showing us he was here, followed by my cousin Kenney saying he’s still messing with us even from beyond, which got some more laughs.
While my grandfather was sick, I held onto the hope that I would get one last holiday with him. Now that I am experiencing the season without him, everything I would normally find exciting or cheery just feels bleak. Nothing feels the same without one of my biggest supporters.
Having distractions helps with all of my emotions. It allows me to focus on something other than my loss. My grandma has said work keeping her busy has been a huge help as well. But I still have those silent moments where all I can do is cry. It didn’t matter that we had known his time was coming for months prior; anticipatory grief is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
As Christmas comes around the corner, I am pushing myself to finish the semester and finals. No matter what you are celebrating this December, know you are not the only one experiencing a lack of holiday spirit.
When grief feels all-consuming, take a deep breath and hold your loved ones even closer than before. Know that they may be the ones you can turn to when you’ve got a storm cloud over your head.
I am experiencing this grief right alongside you, so even when it feels like no one is by your side, at least one person is patting you on the back.
Grief won’t disappear; all that matters is we are trying our best despite it.
Madelyn Marabella can be contacted at
mmarabella@kscequinox.com
