Budgets for tentpole Hollywood films have gotten ridiculous over the past few years. It seems that nobody learned from the box office failure of “Waterworld” in 1995. Just earlier this year, “Jupiter Ascending” flopped so hard it killed the prospects of the Wachowskis ever helming another big budget film. One of the many reasons why that movie failed was it focused on how much computer-generated imagery (CGI) they could throw at us without writing interesting characters or a good story to back them up. Gee, why does that sound eerily familiar right now?
Before he became the the boy who never grew up, Peter [Levi Miller] started out as a lowly orphan in the midst of World War II. In the middle of the night, most of the children from the orphanage are plucked up by a floating pirate ship. This vessel takes them to Neverland, an island ruled by the malicious pirate Blackbeard [Hugh Jackman] and his crew. Peter soon learns that he is the chosen one that will end Blackbeard’s tyrannous reign. As he narrowly avoids danger at every turn, Peter runs into a cast of colorful characters including an overly excited James Hook [Garrett Hedlund] and the beautiful “native” princess, Tiger Lily [Rooney Mara].
For what he had to work with, Levi Miller makes a perfectly fine Peter Pan. He behaves like a curious child that’s in awe by his surroundings. He was the one element that kept me going as long as I did. I sincerely hope he doesn’t lose work because of this film’s failure because he deserves another shot. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, prepare, for this is going to be scathing.
Let’s start from the beginning where young Peter resides in a run-down orphanage headed by the most cartoonishly evil nuns I have ever seen. It’s not enough that they act as ridiculous as the aunts from “James and the Giant Peach” (an underrated classic), their collars are shaped as if they’re meant to represent devil horns. What I just described to you happens within the first five minutes of the picture. Really sets the tone, doesn’t it?
Peter is then taken to Neverland, which is no longer a place of whimsy and childlike wonder, but a rocky slave pit with thousands of workers unanimously singing (I swear, I’m not lying) Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” when Blackbeard enters the picture. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t contain my laughter for the utter nonsense that I was witnessing on the big screen.
Hugh Jackman sung this as if he was trying to emulate Kurt Cobain himself. As the introduction to this exaggerated performance, it was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. There is no subtlety here as Jackman yells his dialogue, all while donning one of the goofiest costumes of any film this year. Never is he menacing or intimidating as the antagonist he’s meant to be.
For those wondering what role Hook plays, don’t fret, he’s present, but not as the villain everybody remembers. It’s the Maleficent effect where he’s not all bad, he’s just misunderstood, he’s really a good guy and I can’t stand that trope. This Hook is a teeth-grinding Han Solo archetype that sounds like Jack Nicholson with a Cajun accent. Garrett Hedlund never lets up and that rowdy cowboy personality of his makes you pine for the Disney version. Speaking of classic characters, remember Tiger Lily?
Tiger Lily is a Native American princess that encounters Peter Pan on his adventures or, at least, that’s what she’s supposed to be. The native tribe of “Pan” includes diverse ethnicities, yet we have Rooney Mara, a white actress playing a primarily Native American character. Who thought that would be a good idea? Mara is a phenomenal actress but because this role doesn’t suit her, she never fully embraces the spirit of her character.
Even if these actors managed to pull off a good performance, their biggest hindrance was the falsity of their environment. Every landscape of Neverland is all composited in a computer. I have nothing against the use of CG when it is used responsibly. Some of our great films use CG as a tool to enhance the film and make us believe in that world. That’s not the case here.
For the most part, these actors are working opposite each other on a blank and empty green screen, and it shows. When Rooney Mara is sitting on the edge of a cliff, it’s incredibly apparent that she isn’t really there; she sticks out like a sore thumb. Film is all an illusion and if that illusion is broken, you failed at making a prosperous adventure meant to provoke joy and fun from everybody watching.
Is it me or is everybody else sick of the “you are part of the prophecy” plot gimmick? So many movies have followed down this path that it no longer has any impact. You already know how this is going to play out. Peter Pan doesn’t need an origin story; I don’t need to know everything a character did before before they became a character I loved.
“Pan” was a massive disappointment that cashes in on the origin of the story that nobody asked for, yet we got anyways. Levi Miller is the only one who leaves with any dignity left. Director Joe Wright was not the right pick to helm this fantasy adventure. Warner Bros should think things over before greenlighting a project that tarnishes the name of such a beloved childhood icon.
Rating: D+
Matt Bilodeau can be contacted at mbilodeau@kscequinox.com
