Julie Conlon
Equinox Staff
If you’ve ever found yourself having a Bridget Jones moment, sitting on your couch singing “All By Myself” in your sweatpants on a Saturday night, chances are you may have been one of the many Americans who dreaded this week’s Valentine’s Day holiday. According to a study by Scribd Incorporation, 15 percent of American women sent themselves a gift on Valentine’s Day in 2009. For single women and men alike, this American holiday is a reminder of what they do not have: a relationship with a significant other.
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Brian Quigley, director of the KSC Counseling Center, said humans are social creatures born with the innate desire to be in relationships with others.
“Relationships are necessary to our well being,” Quigley stated, “Our awareness of which we are can only come by our interactions and co-dependency with other people.”
Quigley stressed the more fulfilling relationships one can have, the more confident one will feel about him or herself on a daily basis. According to Michael Robert Dennis, Ph.D, contributor to The Journal of American College Health, individuals involved in a romantic relationship lead healthier lifestyles than those who are single. Dennis wrote, “Romantic relationships that feature high levels of intimacy are more likely to feature successful compliance-gaining attempts aimed at inspiring healthy behavior.”
Additionally, Quigley said single individuals who find themselves distressed over their status must focus on themselves first before seeking a relationship. Quigley said working on the relationship with yourself is the most important one before looking for someone else in your life. Quigley said, “The most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves.” The director continued, “If the relationship I have with myself is unhealthy, then I will find a relationship with someone else to compensate, and that will most likely turn out negatively.”
Quigley looked at Valentine’s Day from a different perspective and encouraged students who find themselves single to do the same.
“Valentine’s Day is an acknowledgement of how we accept ourselves. We may show love for others on that day, but we should also be showing ourselves love,” Quigley said.
KSC sophomores Daniel Bullard and Lisa Bryant met freshman year and began dating. Both said they were not looking for relationships when they met. Like Quigley, Bryant said she felt comfortable with herself before rushing into a relationship with someone else. Bryant commented, “Before I came to school I was in a pretty good place, and I wasn’t looking to date anyone. I felt comfortable with myself, so that made me ready to date somebody when the time came.”
KSC sophomore Emily Pelletier has been dating her boyfriend, KSC junior Derrick Planz for several years. Pelletier explained Planz serves as her main support for her mental well-being while at school as she struggles with the inability to play her life-long passion, basketball.
“My boyfriend is so understanding and supportive,” Pelletier said, crediting Planz for her good health.
Pelletier explained her relationship with her boyfriend consists of the element of teamwork.
“We keep each other motivated and on task as far as school,” she said, “We have similar goals we hope to accomplish, which makes us so compatible.”
Bullard and Bryant echoed Pelletier when they agreed being in a relationship keeps them on track.
“I’ll give you an example,” Bryant said, “I don’t smoke cigarettes, but if I wanted to, I know [Bullard] would tell me to stop. I think it’s in the back of your mind when you’re dating someone to not do certain things,” Bryant concluded.
Bryant’s comment reflects what Tiffany Mathews, KSC coordinator of Health and Wellness, believes about college relationships.
“Students in relationships are less likely to commit to risky behavior because they have someone who holds them accountable.”
In the discussion of what a healthy relationship looks like, Quigley debunked several popular myths. First, Quigley said the idea a relationship should be 50 percent-50 percent is unrealistic.
Quigley stated, “Some areas of the relationship may be 50/50, but some areas may be 80/20, and that’s okay.” Another myth Quigley denied is the idea that good relationships shouldn’t require a lot of work.
“That idea is a bunch of crap,” Quigley continued, “a healthy relationship is one that two people put a lot of work into.” Quigley compared a good relationship to the game of tennis when he said one must always work to improve his or her game. The last myth Quigley shot down is the idea that good relationships don’t have conflict. Quigley stated any healthy relationship has some degree of conflict.
“There’s a difference between a healthy and successful relationship and an unhealthy relationship where conflict is not resolved.”
Quigley explained, “It’s about the way people choose to resolve conflict—not about how much conflict there is.”
Mathews also stressed students must always remain true to themselves if they choose to be in a relationship.
“It’s important to hold onto your own independent life while also having one with your partner,” Mathews said. Bryant commented she’s seen her girl friends change when they meet a new guy.
“I’ve noticed my friends going to the gym more and eating less when they get involved with a guy,” Bryant said. Pelletier, who plans to move in with Planz next year, said she often gets negative reactions from her peers when she discusses her plans with her boyfriend.
“Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of us living together,” Pelletier continued. “But I’m still my own independent person, and he is, too,” Pelletier said.
Wherever a KSC student may find him or herself, it all goes back to Quigley’s statement: in order to get the most out of life and relationships, the first focus must be on oneself. Bryant summed up Quigley’s words easily when she said, “You have to date yourself and like yourself before you date someone else!”
Julie Conlon can be contacted at jconlon1@ksc.mailcruiser.com