It’s that time of the year. Boob Tube Banter is closing shop after a year and a half of my unique commentary.
We’re all going to miss it, I know.
It’s weird to think that I am already at the end of my college career, soon to leave it all in the rear view mirror.
Now I can admit how self indulgent this column has been, having my opinions printed every week.
You have to think that if it’s this bad reading his 600 words a week, how must his friends feel? They have a little television rambling fatigue. Allow me to indulge once more, for old time’s sake.
In times like these it’s hard for me not to turn to my security blanket, television, and watch every very special graduation episode; and if graduating is anything like television, hold on class of 2011, we’re in for a bumpy ride.
First of all, there is going to be some sort of disaster.
Buffy Summers blew up her school on her graduation, if only to kill the giant snake inside. Shows love to wrap up the horrid school experience with a bang.
“Veronica Mars” had the plane crash, and “Smallville” was literally wiped off the map by a meteor shower.
Ending school is scary, and it’s easier to wrap up it all with a metaphorical disaster than what inevitably happens, the high expectations dashed by the mediocrity of an endless ceremony, where people you don’t always know walk up to receive a very expensive piece of paper.
Hell give me a small, yet controllable, disaster, and I’ll be happy. Give me something somewhere between a rain shower and a full on Magnolia apocalyptic rain. If the Mayor turning into a giant snake isn’t in the cards, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer,) we will at least have some sort of drama.
Take the opus “One Tree Hill” for example. Hayley, the pregnant valedictorian for example (yeah, someone gets paid to come up with that stuff).
While giving her speech she went into full on water-breaking-on-stage labor, one of the shows high points I can honestly say.
So pregnant graduates, I beg you to hold it in til May 7th.
Don’t worry, even if one of your friends isn’t with child there will be drama.
We’re all getting ready to return back to our corners of the earth, secrets will come out. Every graduation episode features a long-destined relationship coming to fruition.
Perpetual virgin Donna Martin (“Beverly Hills 90210”) finally gave it up the night of her college graduation.
If you’ve harbored a secret crush or love the whole time of college, tell them at a post-grad party, it’ll really spice things up.
If your college graduation isn’t that exciting, don’t worry, the after party will be out of control.
“Beverly Hills 90210” featured the West Beverly Hills high crew gathering around the Hollywood sign covering it up to reveal the class of 1993.
Let’s do something like that with a Keene landmark. On second thought, I can’t think of one. Well the post-graduation parties are always huge on television shows. Kegs, music and drama, I’m sure we’ll have all three.
All of this being said I’d like to emphasis the fun I’ve had writing The Boob Tube Banter. It has been a great couple years writing for the paper.
I started writing thinking that it would just be something to put on my resume for graduation, never thinking I’d be sitting writing my last column a week before graduation thinking about how much I’ll miss this next year.
It is great knowing that some people actually read what I write every week, and hoping that someone took my advice and watched one of my favorite shows.
Thanks for reading. P.S. If this were a graduation episode that last paragraph would have been delivered in voice over with a montage of fun times I’ve had with the Equinox crew.
Stuart Ross can be contacted at sross@keeneequinox.com
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