Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
Twenty-one-year-old Britney Beirs returned to her home-state of New Hampshire this past week from a spring break trip to Daytona Beach, FL, stating that she has gone through an “‘Eat, Pray, Love’ spiritual journey.”
“Everyone always says traveling changes you, but I didn’t know how much perspective I would get down in Daytona,” Biers said, still sporting a tank-top with the words “GO HARD OR GO HOME” across the chest.
“Traveling just makes you a better person. I can honestly say I’m, like, a better person now – Just like Julia Roberts in ‘Eat, Pray, Love,’” Beirs said.
According to Biers, she ate as much pizza as she wanted to and prayed that she’d still be skinny in her Instagram photos the entire trip.
“The love part of my ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ spiritual journey was that I ran into James Franco, just like Julia Roberts in the movie. He was partying with some college kids on the beach,” Beirs said, “I instantly fell in love.”
Biers said that the spring break trip gave her time to self-reflect.
“I feel like I can really see myself now,” Biers said, “Especially because there were cameras everywhere. I see myself on Snapchat, Instagram and even MTV’s spring break special. There is a video of me dancing on stage with Pitbull that went viral.”
Biers, whose favorite part of her vacation was landing a cannonball from her hotel’s balcony into the pool, said she has “wanderlust” now.
Biers’ best friend, Kim Whit, elaborated on Biers’ wanderlust feelings.
“When Britney first told me she had wanderlust, I was like ‘Oh no, she probably got it from the hot tub,’ but then I found out it just means you like to travel a lot,” Whit said.
According to Whit, the two of them spent the week in Daytona Beach “wanderlusting.”
“We traveled from one end of the beach to the other,” Whit said, “Traveling really does change you. I feel like a different person now.”
Biers said that she is “addicted” to traveling now.
“I don’t want to stop traveling. I need to see what else is out there,” Biers said.
According to Biers, her and Whit are already planning their next vacation.
“There is such a huge world out there that is ready to be explored,” Biers said. “I think next we’re going to try out Myrtle Beach, Ft. Lauderdale, or maybe even go all the way to Miami.”
Biers, who said she has not showered since the second day of her vacation, concluded with, “You know what they say – Not all those who wander are lost.”
Stephanie McCann can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org