Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
As second semester swings into full gear, Keene State College seniors can’t help but think about graduation. Resumes, job applications, student loans and plans for the future are looming over their heads. However, KSC senior Liza Daisical said she just can’t stop thinking about the sashes worn at graduation.
“I was sitting in a lecture about the importance of resumes and cover letters after graduation, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the actual graduation,” Daisical said, “I haven’t done a single thing in college to get me one of those cool sashes everyone wears.”
According to KSC bookstore employee Carl Bükworm, who distributes the graduation sashes, to receive a sash for graduation a student must either study away, be a part of an executive board for a club or win a prestigious award.
“The sashes are red and have their titles stitched onto the side for everyone to see on graduation day,” Bükworm said.
Daisical said she has been rushing to join every club and organization she can in time for graduation so she can wear a “sick sash.”
“Nothing says you worked hard in college more than those sashes,” Daisical said, “Sadly, I didn’t work hard for my first three and a half years here.”
Daisical is joining every club on campus from American Society of Safety Engineers to Campus Ecology.
“I joined the improv club, debate club, the dance team, the history club, Keene State Republicans, Keene State Democrats…uh, the ski and snowboard club too. I’m planning to get on all of their E-boards before May seventh,” Daisical said, “I even started my own sorority and I’m in the middle of starting a radio show for WKNH all about joining clubs.”
Daisical continued, “I’ll do anything for one of those red sashes. Do you even understand how good it’ll look on Instagram?”
She even said she plans to study away for one week in North Korea this spring.
“There’s a really cheap program for North Korea I found on some pop-up page online,” Daisical said, “Anything for that graduation sash!”
KSC senior Allison Ballison, one of Daisical’s long time friends, said she is worried about Daisical’s actions.
“This graduation sash thing has gone to her head. Is all of this stress over joining clubs last minute really worth the Instagram likes?” Ballison said in a panic.
“It’s worth it,” Daisical said, “It’s so worth it. I’m going to look more involved than everyone on graduation day and they’ll all be so jealous.”
When asked about Daisical’s rush to join clubs before graduation, Bükworm said, “Wait. Uh, someone should tell her she’s too late. The deadline for graduation sashes was February sixth.”
Stephanie McCann can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org