Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
Spring semester has begun at Keene State College and while some students are using the fresh start as a chance to take time and shoot for a 4.0, KSC freshman Trevor Lothario said he is just excited to complete his computer course this semester.
When the eager scholar was asked why he was so excited to finish one of the foundational courses in the Computer Science department, Lothario responded, “The girls in my class are so hot.”
He continued, “I feel like it’d be weird to try to hook up with any of them now because, like, I have to see them in class twice a week. I can’t wait for the class to be over so I can hit on them though.”
Lothario’s professor, Dr. Sara Sparks, said she has never seen such an enthusiastic student so ready to fly through her course.
“I’ve been teaching my class here at KSC for seventeen years and Trevor [Lothario] is the first freshman I’ve seen so committed to starting his future this early,” Sparks said, “It’s honestly inspiring. I’m lucky to have a student like him.”
Lothario said he keeps a list of all the girls in the class he would like to try to hook up with once the course is over.
“Ah, man. Olivia Tollberry is the hottest girl in the class for sure. I’m totally going to try to hook up with her first,” Lothario said, “But, I mean, I’d even hook up with that Kylie girl who sits in the back and smells like onions and liquorish. I don’t really care.”
When asked about Lothario’s plans to try to hook up with her, KSC freshman Olivia Tollberry responded, “What? Who is Trevor Lothario? I’ve literally never heard that name in my life.”
Lothario said the most important thing about trying to hook up with girls who are in his classes is that he has to wait until the class is over.
“It’s so awkward if you try to hook up with a girl over the weekend and then see her in class on Monday. That happened to my roommate. I’m not making that mistake,” Lothario said.
According to Dr. Sparks, Lothario is on track to becoming one of her best students yet.
“He’s just so quick with handing in work, and I’ve even seen him counting down the days until the course is over. I think he shows real potential” Sparks said.
However, the eager academic said he has even bigger plans for the end of his Computer Science course.
“I’m probably just going to Facebook message all the girls in my class until one of them responds,” Lothario said.
Lothario concluded, “God, they’re all so hot. I can’t wait for this class to over with.”