Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.

Once a month, catalogs are delivered to homes, promising life will be all the better if you just hand your money over. Really, it’s that easy.

One company in particular knows just how to clasp your attention: Victoria’s Secret. They don’t even hide their jewels. Right there on the cover, flashing you with a smile are nearly naked and perfect bodies, bright colors and designs covering any naughty parts. “It’s fun to be and have a girl,” they promise.

Well, let me tell you. I’m a girl and having a bra is fun, but hazardous. Here are some self-experienced delights and horrors.

Alexandria Saurman / Arts and Entertainment Editor

Alexandria Saurman / Arts and Entertainment Editor

First of all, as a self-endearing klutz, I fall a lot. Lucky for me, as long as I fall forward, my bra protects the goods and me. With all the extra padding they’ve installed in today’s bras, there’s a lot of bounce. That bounce propels me upright again and I’m good to go. This same padding allows me to float for hours in water. It’s very comfortable.

Another great benefit of these bosom pockets is that they are just that, pockets! Who need a purse when you can stash it all on your girls? I’ve even managed to store a whole Subway sandwich in there for the movies, and let me tell you, it’s a little squished, but it’s still good.

Best of all, my bra offers not only physical support, but moral support. Some people name their breasts, I name my bras. I’ve got Shirley, Jane, Hope and Maggie. They’re like the sisters I never had. I hold them dear to my heart indeed.

Of course sometimes they act out and stab me with their wire arms. Or they pinch me on the sides. Or it just feels like I’m suffocating. Jane says this is because I eat too many Chinese dumplings.

The other frustrating thing about bras is that they don’t really work well as anything other than being a bra.

One day, my ears were very cold. I didn’t have a hat on, but I did have a coat and mittens. With my coat covering up the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra, I slipped a cup over each ear, then tied the straps in a bow under my chin. To be honest, it didn’t work very well, my ears got frostbite.

But I did get a lot of looks my way, so obviously I looked fabulous. All in all, a bra can be very handy at times and dangerous at others. Of course, not as dangerous as socks, but hey that’s another story and I’ve got to get ready to go to sleep. I’ve got my padded bra pillow ready and I’ll leave the breast for you to figure out later. Cheers!

Dorothy England can be contacted at dengland@kscequinox.com