Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
With the close of winter break and the beginning of the semester, students eagerly unpacked their vehicles and moved back in on Sunday at 12 p.m. sharp. By 12:01 p.m., every scholar’s room was neat and organized. By 12:02 p.m., they had managed to get ahold of their textbooks, even though the bookstore had not yet opened, and were studying profusely.
“I’m taking this new class called ‘How Many Classes Would I Have to Skip to Become a Sheep Farmer and Other Answers to Life’s Big Questions’ and I really want to get a good grade. I printed out and studied the syllabus over winter break, and on move-in day I just quizzed myself and read the whole textbook,” said sophomore Al Wrighty.
“Dude, I’m so pumped for Monday morning’s 8 a.m.,” said Noah Ever. After being informed that there were no classes on Monday, Ever’s response was “What? Whatever, man. At least Tuesday’s classes are gonna be lit.”
Unfortunately, Ever was incorrect. In a follow-up interview, he commented that his classes were not as lit as he had assumed.
“I thought like we’d go in and, like, talk about ourselves. But she [the teacher] just read the syllabus and told us that we had homework. Like, who even does their homework?”
Ever requested that his hometown, major and on-campus job be included in the article, but neglected to mention what any of them were.
However, Ever brings up a valid point: who even DOES their homework?
A recent study published by A. Cooper Ashun in 2007 found that 62.541 percent of students actually do their homework and graduate before they die. The study was deemed invalid since only 10 people were surveyed.
This brings up another question: how many students at KSC enjoy syllabus week?
Besides Wrighty, who was found at class two hours and 11 minutes before it started, it appears that only one other person loved syllabus week: Dr. Ima Doctor. Doctor received his Master’s degree in art management when he was only 20 years old, and went on to gain his Ph.D in Hedge Trimming by the age of 22.
“When I first began my job here at the beautiful campus of Keene State College, I never thought that I’d fall so deeply in love with my job. I get to interact with the students daily, and I love all my co-workers…syllabus week is the best because I’m usually the happiest person on campus.”
Doctor works as the door opener in the LLC.
Alexandria Saurman can be contacted at email@example.com