Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
Break out the play-dough, therapy dogs and snow shovels because Keene State College has been dished a massive helping of what a New England winter is capable of, and the struggle is indeed very real.
On Dec. 12, KSC’s campus was caked with several inches of snow, causing utter chaos in the community.
Thousands of on-foot commuters were beaten and battered on their trek to class through the heavy snow.
“Reading day?” KSC student Sandy Slipper asked. “More like bleeding day…Am I right? I fell and scraped my knees like 20 times on my way to class and I live in Huntress, so that’s pretty bad.”
Slipper was one of many girls at KSC who were surveyed earlier in the semester on how durable Ugg boots actually are.
Slipper was part of a large portion of girls surveyed who believe that Ugg boots successfully pass off as combat boots and can withstand all inclimate weather.
Some students thought they could beat the woes of winter by using their summer and fall means of transportation. Hundreds of students lined up riding longboards, pushing through the snow as an act of protest against winter.
“We will not give in!” KSC student and longboarder Larry Longfellow shouted in protest. “It’s still summer, we don’t care. We ain’t never getting older!”
Longfellow’s famous last words before the massive and awkward conga line of longboarders collapsed, with all of them stumbling to the icy cold tundra of Keene, New Hampshire.
“Nooooooooo!” Longfellow shouted with a tear in his eye that quickly froze before it could hit the ground.
The intense and snowy conditions are hitting residents of the Mills of Keene especially hard.
The Keene apartment building is known for it’s parking spaces being rather small.
The only thing more painful and awkward than falling in the snow is trying to squeeze out of a cramped parking space before falling in the snow.
“I don’t know if I just got fatter over Thanksgiving or if these spaces are really this small,” KSC student and The Mills resident Barry Wideman said.
Wideman had so much trouble with the parking spaces that he actually got himself wedged between his own car and the one next to it.
The Keene Fire Department had to use the jaws of life to free Wideman from the clutches of Keene parking.
Once freed, Wideman promptly took his first step and slipped on a patch of ice snow, sending him airborne before crashing to the pavement.
“Let’s hope my next final goes better than this,” Wideman said.
Luckily, the KSC student received a special message from none other than Santa Claus himself via Skype and he said he plans on helping Keene with it’s blizzard related blunders.
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Mr. Cringle said. “You poor folks are really struggling in the snow, so I’ll be dropping by with snowshoes and a plow to get everyone back in the holiday spirit.”
The city’s morale was boosted for a moment, until Claus mentioned an important condition to him helping.
Claus said, “I’ll come through, as long as I have a nice clean parking space for my sleigh.”
With Keene’s horrific parking situation, this winter looks to be a bleak one indeed.
Nick Tocco can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org