Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.

Keene State College student Ian Sulted is not pleased with how college students in different grades or age groups are referred to.

With the change from freshman to first-year, Sulted does not believe colleges should stop there and supports the initial change.

“It’s just an unrealistic expectation,” Sulted said about the term freshman. “Not everyone is a man and how do they know I’m fresh? I might have a bad day and forget to put on deodorant or something. It’s just not fair.”

But Sulted hopes the trend continues toward the words sophomore, junior and senior. He said the terms imply unfair characteristics, and that sophomore should be changed to second-year, junior to third-year and senior to fourth-year.

“What does sophomore even mean?” Sulted asked. “Am I soft if I’m a sophomore? The sound the word makes is offensive. And what does the ‘more’ mean anyways? What? Do I want more of everything if I’m a sophomore, huh?”

Sulted said he is backed by the Keene State College Offensiveness club. Club President Polly Pleasant said, “We fully support Sulted’s complaints because if one person is offended, we can’t just move on. We have to do everything in our power to make that person feel better, even if they shouldn’t care that much about whatever they’re mad about in the first place.”

Sulted continued his outrage toward the words junior and senior. He believes the term junior is belittling and makes him feel irrelevant.

“What am I your son, huh?” Sulted asked. “People call me junior like I’m a little baby, but guess what? I’m not a baby, and you ain’t my daddy!”

Sulted left the interview to weep in his truck, but then returned to discuss the word senior and the fact that he feels it is an ageist term.

“Oh so now I’m an old man, huh?” Sulted asked. “Well let me just get my cane and put my super thick glasses so I can stand tall and look everyone in the eyes and say I ain’t your grampa!”

KSC student and friend of Sulted’s, Stu Piddley later disclosed that Sulted “doesn’t even go here,” and that he is “simply insulted for no reason.”

Nick Tocco can be contacted at ntocco@kscequinox.com