Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictitious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s or the College’s beliefs as a whole.
Danny Portnoy has had a difficult start to his senior year at Keene State College,and not because he is struggling in the classroom or fails to stay organized.
Portnoy’s academic issues are of no concern to him for the time being. Portnoy is upset because both of his starting quarterbacks for fantasy football are critically injured in back-to-back weeks.
Just a week ago, Portnoy thought it was an intelligent decision to select the 36-year-old quarterback of the Dallas cowboys, Tony Romo, with the first overall pick in his fantasy league draft.
“We all tried to warn him, but he thought he was outsmarting us or something,” Portnoy’s friend and fellow fantasy football player, Tommy Toldyaso said.
Romo has been known for having recurring injury issues during his NFL career.
“I thought he was due!” Portnoy said thinking Romo would be free of his injury woes this season. Romo had a back surgery last year and cut his season short.
Since Portnoy and his friends play in a league that requires a $500 dollar buy-in, he did not take this lying down. Portnoy stooped to “trolling” his friends via text message and twitter to peer pressure them into a redraft.
Toldyaso said Portnoy called them “Goodell lovers, because this is what Roger Goodell would do.” He added that Portnoy threatened to “destroy my phone Tom Brady style,” and that he “knows how the Touchdown Tommy feels.”
Since the majority of the friends he plays fantasy football with are New England Patriots fans, Portnoy’s deflate-gate related comments had an effect, causing his friends to approve a redraft.
“He knows we’re all Patriots fans so he thinks that bothers us, but to be honest, we just didn’t want to listen to him anymore,” Toldyaso said.
Set for a redraft, Portnoy selected a team he was “very confident in.” He specifically said his selection of Vikings Quarterback Teddy Bridgewater was his favorite and described the player as a “big time sleeper.” Later that day during a drill, Bridgewater dislocated his knee and tore his ACL in practice, leaving him out for the season. Since hearing the tragic news, Portnoy said he is committed to finding trade partners to turn his team around.
“He tried getting me to trade him Antonio Brown for a sizzler, and I thought about it,” Toldyaso said.
Portnoy’s Sports Management Professor Dewey Yawork, commented on Portnoys fantasy woes.
“He does this every year,” Yawork said referring to Portnoy’s continuous drafting of horrible fantasy football teams. He’ll be glued to his computer or his smartphone all class trying to make trades and such,” Yawork said. He added that Portnoy will even talk on the phone during lectures.One would think he would be better after what I’ve taught him, but it just doesn’t set in it seems,” Yawork said. He added that Portnoy is “pretty dumb to begin with” but that the Bridgewater injury was “flat out bad luck.”
When asked why he participates in fantasy football in the first place, Portnoy said, “I got to pay off my student loans somehow.”
When Portnoy was asked if his debt from yearly failures in fantasy football was worse than his student loans, Portnoy declined to comment.
Nick Tocco can be contacted at email@example.com