Disclaimer: The “Hoots N’ Hollers” section of The Equinox is entirely satirical and not at all based in fact. Every story, photo and name used here is fictious solely for the purpose of comedy and does not represent The Equinox’s beliefs as a whole.
Sylvester “Sly” Scammington has a lot to answer for these days. The KSC student with a major in puppetry has been apprehended as the culprit responsible for the false FBI phone calls that have been driving the Keene community crazy.
The calls usually target students asking for money to be sent via Money Gram to pay off tuition bills.
When asked why Scammington did this he said, “Uh…to pay off tuition bills, Broseph.”
FBI officials said they were surprised by Scammington’s language because his “FBI voice” was pretty convincing, and none of them could figure what “broseph” means.
After his admission, it was learned that Scammington’s was planning on doing more than paying off tuition with the money.
“First things first, I was gonna buy a bunch of puppies and walk through campus all day Bro Montana,” Scammington said.
When asked why, Scammington said, “Because chicks love puppies, Brometheus.”
After hearing Scammington’s statements, his English professor was very disappointed with his language, but his Greek philosophy professor was impressed with his Prometheus reference. Both asked the Equinox to keep their names unnamed.
After his apprehension, Scammington needed medical attention, but not the kind that most would think.
Dr. Bill Williams said physically, “Sly” was fine, but he is dealing with a mental or psychological issue.
“He just can’t stop saying Bro,” Dr. Williams said. “Since attempting to treat him, he has called me Tony Bromo, Pablo Picassbro and Brozo the Clown.”
Dr. Williams added that his disease was spreading rapidly as he would alter the bro-names to men and women he was talking to.
“He called one of the female nurses Angelina Brolie,” Williams said. “She actually took it as a compliment.”
After hearing about his “Broverdose,” FBI agent Anonymous Anonymous said he was shocked that Scammington was capable of keeping the hoax alive given his speech condition.
“We recorded a lot of those calls and not one sentence contained some form of bro,” Anonymous said. “It’s kind of insulting to us that so many people really thought FBI membros talk like that.
Anonymous corrected himself and said members.
When Scammington heard the legal ramifications of his actions, Scammington said, “Bro, this is worse than the time I faked Sylvester Stallone’s death.”
Nick Tocco can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org